You Layering Lying Liar You

It’s funny. Snipers use ghillie suits to look like a plant - they take out a foe at a long distance. The rest of us try to smell like a plant - so we don’t take out those close to us.

Shampoos, colognes, perfumes, fragrances, soaps, deodorants, creams and lotions.

And the smells among them! Bay Rum, Liliac, Peach & Mint, Lavendar, Irish Spring, Sea Salt, Ginger, Oatmeal, Eucalyptus, Lily of the Valley, Allspice, fruits and spices galore. Oh the scents we’d like to have, stamped on a bottle.

Admit it. You’re stinky. And embarrassed. And desperate to cover it up.

No one bothered to tell me to layer my fragrances. Is this why people avoid me? By calculating the mixing of scents you too can create a particular scenario. This is like mixing chocolate and strawberry to get the feeling you’re immersed in pistachio. Violà!

I read that by mixing Hermès Eau de Gentiane Blanche and Jimmy Choo Man with Fougère that I would effectively create a fall hike, Probably easier to just go on one. Now I’m no odor specialist, but I’ve been on few fall hikes. Not once have I run across these fellows. This concoction provides an earthy/woody, floral scent with hints of citrus, geranium, and pineapple leaf on a base layer of mossy. Geranium and mossy, I get that. But pineapple? And citrus? Where are these people hiking? Is someone littering their lunch ahead of them? Last I checked pineapples grew year round in temperate zones. Zones that generally have only two seasons. Fall isn’t one of them.

I suppose what I need is a Fragrance Calculator. You read that right. A fragrance calculator. These are the lesser known cousins of Scientific Calculators and are more ecologically friendly than Printing Calculators. However, they are not in the same family as Graphing Calculators. I think they fake their way around, with buttons and numbers and various math signs, posing as a Handheld Calculator. Not sure where they stand with Financial Calculators. My guess is it’s a platonic relation.

A calculator wouldn’t help me. Calculators can’t calculate chemistry. How else would you know fragrance oils from essential oils? Or percentages of alcohol to create an eau de toilette? What if your parfum slips dangerously close to a perfume? And how does cologne differ from aftershave? The whole thing is so embarrassing that even a few of those letters (I won't point them out) are keeping quiet, right now, in the middle of their own word. And now - NOW they want to add music; single note perfumes vs. multi-note perfumes. Pretty soon bottles will play a song when you spritz. And do not forget your mood!  Sparkling and uplifting when you’re shooting for sobering and grave could cause a serious . . . well, something bad could happen. We don’t want that.

And there’s steps! 1! 2! 3! Body wash, lotion, spray on body mist, the spritzing of perfume, body butter, and then hand sanitizer! What if you mix up the order? Can you walk into body butter or lather on the spritz? Too many questions with too many answers! And at any point are you a fire hazard? Am I allowed to move before it’s dry? Can I flail my arms at least? What about smoking? Or candles? Is there a radius of combustion? Do others have to maintain their distance?

What if this and what if that. It’s complicated.

I know where I’ve gone wrong. I don’t have a signature. I need a scent signature, you know - a scent that says ‘Ah, Noel was just here’.

Not the one in the bathroom.

I had a signature once. For four years in high school I was the man.  Well, my friends and family liked it anyway. They hung around me, sniffing the air after I got done working my shift as a pizza maker.

There’s a good scent for you; pizza and beer.

Who wouldn’t like that?