Ahh, Inspire Off

Never let the things you want make you forget the things you still have to pay on your credit card.

Don’t look back, you’re not going that wa-*TRIP!*

Take every chance in life because some things only happen once, like death.

Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself into the sickest golden-parachute-stealing CEO this side of Bernie MadoffAnd avoiding jail time.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m possible if you ignore the fact there’s no apostrophe in it and the i is not capitalized.  Otherwise, yeah.

Live the life you love and love the life you live when you steal someone’s identity and open credit cards in their name

Explore.  Dream.  Discover.  Fall.  Into crevices.  In front.  Of you.  Pay.  Better.  Attention.

Difficulties in your life don’t come to destroy you but cause major tissue damage.  This will help you realize your hidden potential for reconstructive surgery.

Live your life and forget your age cause after your forties your knees and back will constantly remind you anyway.

Do not Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect.  You already set your sights so low you’re practically immobile.  Quit wasting valuable energy!

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  Unless you’re a dictator.  Then you can say it wasn’t a mistake and everyone will say you’re right cause they don’t want to die of torture.

Silence is better than bullshit unless you are fertilizing the garden.  Plants don’t eat silence.

I’m not giving up, I’m just starting over at something else cause that other thing was WAY too f***ing hard.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone and ends 30 seconds later if you’re in a plane that just lost both wings. 

Mistakes are proof that you’re trying - try less so the boss won’t notice you screwing up.

Don’t follow your dreams, chase them.  Unless the dream is you flying out the second story bedroom window.

Don’t give up, the beginning is always the hardest, the middle is harder, and the end will almost certainly be insanely difficult. No one said leveling up was easy, mofo.

A simple hello could lead to a million things. Like an STD.

God won’t help you. He already gave you the power to do that and his warranty expired three seconds after your first breath.

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up and dying because we’re not built like superman, numbnuts.

Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle, but, if they want to shine something of yours that’s a little dull, well, think twice about that.  You might learn a new trick to show your wife or girlfriend.

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard, but sheer luck whomps both those pansies hands down.

Dream big and dare to fail because you’re leveraged baby. OPM sucker!

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. And when Tomorrow gets sent by your bookie to tap your knees with a baseball bat, chances are that extra 20% late fee won’t sound so bad. Shoulda paid Yesterday on time.

If not you, then who? If not now, then when? If words the rearranged are, meaning sentence still have will?

You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind but you can negatively effect your sex life with a positive HIV exam.

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we might hook up with her hot friend Excellence.

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light of the oncoming car so you can try to roll out of the way.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, then build a door with no knobs so you can keep that dumb bastard from stealing the beers in your fridge.

Put your heart, mind and soul into even your smallest acts. Which is a lot to cram in small ax so man up and get a bigger ax dipshit.  Or just buy a chainsaw.  A small ax won’t cut shit.

Believe you can and you’re halfway there. Believe you can four times and it’s like you went and came back without lifting a finger.

You must do the things you think you cannot do and then admit to them in a court of law so you get free lodging and food.

When deeds speak, words are nothing cause Deeds is a huge deaf mute an’ that dum sumbitch ain’t making no sense what-so-eva.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.  The other 14% we don’t know where to put but it’s important. We’re pretty sure anyway. Here, you hold it.

Never complain and never explain that big ‘ole bloodstain when you’re being detained. The Po-Po like poet criminals and will tell you so with a few electrifying seconds of 50,000 volts.

Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going round and round till you’re so dizzy you can’t tell time and it doesn’t matter anyway because you have to vomit.

If you can dream it, you can do it. If you can’t, well, dream something easier dumbass.

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later unless you live in a flood zone or a tornado alley. Maybe you should do less farming and have higher insurance premiums.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star - if you don’t mind waiting billions of light years to get there just to burn up at 10,340 degrees Fahrenheit when you finally hit it. On second thought, just hit the moon on your first shot.

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground, and your dental insurance paid up. You’ll need it for that new set of teeth after you trip, space cadet.

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.  Just blow 'em off and pretty soon you'll get a nice appointment with the guidance counselor or someone in juvie.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. Unless you’re like, 115. By that time your wrinkly butt won’t give a shit, will it? Damn those FOXO A3 genes.

Poverty was the greatest motivating factor in my life. Well, that and the bar of soap slipping from my hands in the prison shower. Clumsy!

Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God so build him a thermonuclear bomb and destroy all life on this planet.  He’d appreciate you restocking the soul inventory, marine.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  Especially if ‘hard’ and ‘right’ are both on the package, so can a court of law legally say that you stole two things?

Sometimes we have to just let things go because you’ll get third degree burns if you don’t.

Remember, it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.  Once you die and see that every single day was bad, then no one can argue you had a bad life.  Sucks to have been you, huh?

Don’t judge my choices without understanding my reasons, and yes Your Honor, I would like a court-appointed lawyer.

There are two types of pains, ones that hurt you and ones that change you into dead.

We sometimes think we want to disappear but all we really want is to be found unless we are in the witness protection program because we turned into a backstabbing snitch that screwed our buddies over when our dumb ass got caught then cried like a baby to the police because we didn’t want to be known as Ben Dover in prison.

Be with the guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara.  Or, teach that guy how to kiss without slobbering on your eyelids.

No expectations, no disappointments, no verbs, no sense.

Dreams don’t work unless you wake up in the middle of the night to remember them. Even then they’re inanimate and can’t really *do* anything that could be considered work.  Pfft, you silly.

If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve go to do something you’ve never done but remember to do the internet search on your friend’s laptop while they’re asleep then wipe the keyboard.

My life is my message.  It says something pretty foul.  I shouldn't repeat it.

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out because they might actually feed you if you are in a starving situation.  Of course you probably wouldn’t be talking much then would you?

Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry and don’t decide when you’re sad; just take your pill like the nice doctors said to and those aliens with the red eyes will eventually leave you alone.

No matter how much it hurts now, one day you will look back and realize it changed your life forever because it got you hooked on new best buddy morphine.

Let go of the past and the past will let go of you, then take Past to the vet to get checked for rabies and put down.  You don't mind big needles do you?

We do not remember days we remember moments in no specific order; it’s a side effect of our anti-psychotic medication.

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back and give you herpes.

The purpose of our lives is to be happy.  Oh, and to take drugs that induce happiness because that’ll complete the circle.

Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated by creating the IRS, the government, organized religion, and several other groups of people who transmit microwave mind-thoughts to control our actions and take our money.

I hope you've been inspired.  *Big sigh.*